Since my last post, the little kidney bean has emerged: the little heartbeat is now a fully fledged little boy, called Little Xavier..
Little Xavier is a very laid back, well mannered 1 month old. No colic, always friendly, not shy of anyone, best of all loves being naked. And loves being awake around 12am through to 5am........as you can well imagine.....mommy's patterns are out of synch.
As I gaze out of the study window into the ever darkening skyline, the silhouette of trees gently blow and wiggle in the evening breeze...they drink in the freshness of a new evening, another few seconds, minutes and hours tick by.
Yet, my concentration is broken by a bug hitting against the window, obsessed and insanely drawn by the light to hit an ever invisible barrier......do we not often do that?
Driven by our passions, because our fears of failing and past experiences propel us into hitting the inevitable. We speak over our lives, and therefore we live the word we prophesied, because why? because it is familiar, it is acceptable, it will be fitting to us. Our mind is made up, it is formed by closely watching others being hurt, being formed, experiencing, failing......winning, and by observing we are able to discern and pick up the route we know will make us our own champions.
yes we all need champions. we all need a support, love and especially cherishing....me.
Little Xavier...you've been loaned to me by my awesome Creator...
I speak over you to be well mannered, intelligent, strong, confident, well groomed, attractive and know your strengths and weaknesses, yet in your weaknesses' you will find answers to overcoming life.
Little Xavier, I know you are unique, therefore....i don't want you to be just like me, don't be just like Daddy....be just like ... you, be yourself in every thing. Think clearly, and know you will be with God in everything.
I will love you always, and promise to never interfere, unless you ask me too....i will shed tears, but not in front of you. I will laugh, but, only to share your joy....and not at you ..you will live your life acknowledging and respecting others, because that's what you will inherently know is the right thing to do.
and now...knowing he is here....i want to hide....responsibility is more than you can imagine...i am hiding....yet in full.....i'd want to burst into the world and tell them..motherhood is a thankless..and sometimes overlooked life...your body breaks and cracks and tears at birth..during life as a woman..yet you're ridiculed..praises are only sung on perhaps a birthday..perhaps a mothersday...or on an epitaph if remembered....but the blessings...are bountiful.
be prepared....i am hiding.
