Back again....facing a change

In the thick of things...you don't always have the strength to put a voice out on paper..well..a blog. the letters, words just don't want to formulate.  Thinking back....i was unable to

I could've but I didn't

While listening to the rain subside and renew its force on the patio corrugated roof, with the sliding door open, amidst the refreshing breeze that brings a blissful salve of moisture through the living room after a humid day in South Africa..my mind races through the last two years of ecstatic fulfillment of falling pregnant and of living the US dream through to the Washington DC quake and hurricane...to the dismal closure of a chapter...I thought we would devoutly see to the end as retiree's in some US Florida or Californian coastline town.

Amidst my beloved hubby's concerned looks over a PC game towards my tear stained face, my little 21 month old little son, Xavier, far in dreamland safely under his Snoopy and Woodstock quilt and a beloved little spaniel x breed, Uska, snoring in absolute blanket-on-sofa luxury......I still can't see the full greatness these puzzle pieces were thrown down to create...I thought it was all pieced together already...its still a little choas..but somewhere there is a picture..i do catch the glimpse now..

You see, I started this blog to capture my feelings and my growth in another country...and somewhere, destiny was not what it was made out to be. As if this whole happening were a paper model plane...grappled by water in mid-air....hit the pavement like a huge wet wad of toilet paper.

This is my hormonal and somewhat distorted view and account of what happened, I promise you no husbands, kids and or pets were harmed in this recollection :)

My dreams of traveling the States were crushed...work was more important than site-seeing...for me it felt at that stage...and what I needed to understand was..I was not the one that paid the bills..Birthdays could not and weren't really celebrated...our anniversary not too important..and well..we never got to have a BabyMoon...I seriously contemplated returning to South Africa..pregnant and all....For business reasons we had to leave Florida.. thus with an overworked, tired and grumpy hubby, I joylessly, and feeling like an overweight blimp,  traveled cross-state up north to Virginia state, via some beautiful countryside....I still remember Xaviers' little 2 month old facial expressions and Uska's desperate sniffing as if identifying all news of the day on one road-trip....the first stay over in a couple of hotels with pooch and baby...pretty interesting...me...silently crying and wishing for them just to end, so that I could swallow my next couple of Excedrin migraine tablets with a black cup of coffee..I had no appetite....especially since the normal sleeping patterns had not yet kicked in...and we traveled at least 3-4 hours a day...and the dear little guy slept most of the time. It was a trip and move like this that I certainly needed a good friend, sister or mom to help me with...but we did it, we went through it...we got through it. Not perfect for some people...but the way intended for us to learn from.

Nonetheless we were looked after, we never lacked anything, I learned perseverance, I learned I had more stamina and strength I gave myself credit for. I learned that my gut feeling...that inner voice..my Guardian Angel.....TRUST IT NEVER DOUBT IT!!!  No one could ever, ever, ever prove it wrong, more than once this warning proved everyone else wrong...

Eventually arriving in the DC area we moved and stayed in an amazing 2 bedroom fully furnished luxury apartment, in Virginia state, until we could find a home near to the office.. but my state of mind, and just overall dismay at leaving the Sunshine state behind, kind of left my mind clouded...I enjoyed very little......the lack of sleep and hormones that were still in disarray....well, you can negotiate with a terrorist, enough said!!

Hubby found a little dollhouse in Reston, in the Hunterswoods area...it was seriously a fairytale come true..though still not quite myself yet, I still could not see the point to it all....As we settled in and I eventually saw the light..felt the rumble of a 5,8 earthquake and the howling of a hurricane...also the blackout thereafter..and little pooch Uska's cancer had gone into remission for which I am eternally grateful for...also grateful for an amazing pediatrician that confirmed Xavier was a bright little boy with no ADHD something that I had feared....absolutely thankful that this Doctor had the hindsight to mention to me..that had the wisdom to know, I wasn't myself..but had the confidence I placed my baby first no matter what. ..we had to move again..this time...I knew it long before it was ever mentioned..News of no more funds in the company surfaced...and then the lie...we shouldn't be concerned, they found more investors..
I just knew for some reason we were no longer really welcome in the States...for some reason..I knew we had to head back. There were so many warning signs....and I swept it under the mat...new management, new rules...new everything...this time...Columbus, Ohio..but, this time...there were some players in the game that were paid to run the company down...

The traveling was easier this trip round I was more relaxd...Xavi, crawling by now, had great eating and sleeping habits, really made things a lot more comfortable...hubby, truly a little more well-rested, a lot more lovable...his new manager...a brilliant peoples person...to which I owe a ton of gratitude, and learned to call a friend.. . had found a beautiful 2 leveled home. It was to me,  a page out of the Garden & Home magazine, the home situated in the newish Grove City, area just outside of Columbus, with  neighbors that actually placed a welcome gift in our post box, everything just felt right, everything was perfect, hubby and I found each other again...we grew closer and were able to build up strength again...to make it through something worse...

But in all this...I experienced an envy, a greed and a lie...it was too perfect...and the more I grew to enjoy my days...the more somehow...I was led to believe we made a wrong choice...you see there are no wrong choices...there are life-changing choices. We were supposed to be where we were....in preparation for something bigger. We still are where we should be.

Xaviers first birthday came along, the 13th of March 2012 and with it the unfortunate news...the company was bankrupt...they could do nothing..while some took more than their fair share...others were left literally with nothing....through it friendships of longstanding were ruined..what did they not consider...literally adding to the unemployed of the States..
We voluntarily gave up our home, had our vehicle repossessed, our belongings....wedding gifts, sentimental goods that my late mother had given to me...birthday presents, some of our clothes... we left behind and or gave to an awesome buddy we made...We returned with Xaviers crib, 4 suitcases, and 7 box's. An act of grace and provision for this I am grateful too.

To those that felt obligated to help...because they really just felt it a duty to do so...and sort of wanted to say I told you so....I want to say...we could have asked others too...but we asked you..I also want to say..I will do it again...because I know the overall positive influence was invaluable... and for that yes...I am grateful....for you....I don't think you'll ever be able to comprehend how invaluable it was. 

To the friends that really were by our side, and assisted out of absolute friendship and love...Thank you, I know and you know who you are, we will meet up again...the credit law just needs to change...hehehehe!

To the "others" that believe at the instant touch of a delete button any electronic communication removes itself from any cyber trace.....hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.....really!!

I could've said no to this whole experience, but I didn't...because I took the risk, I know, but it was all worth it, and for it I am eternally grateful, eternally grateful I was selected and honored to live through it all, be able to find my feet again, be able to make up for lost time, be able to retrieve great memories, and to know it doesn't matter where I am, I have some great friends...I've lost some people along the way...but know that it was and still is a sifting process..you can't live with dead weight, you can't live with regrets, time cannot wait for anyone...

So you see in the end I could've, but I didn't.....

 

he's here...but i am hiding

Since my last post, the little kidney bean has emerged: the little heartbeat is now a fully fledged little boy, called Little Xavier..
Little Xavier is a very laid back, well mannered 1 month old. No colic, always friendly, not shy of anyone, best of all loves being naked. And loves being awake around 12am through to 5am........as you can well imagine.....mommy's patterns are out of synch.

As I gaze out of the study window into the ever darkening skyline, the silhouette of trees gently blow and wiggle in the evening breeze...they drink in the freshness of a new evening, another few seconds, minutes and hours tick by.
Yet, my concentration is broken by a bug hitting against the window, obsessed and insanely drawn by the light to hit an ever invisible barrier......do we not often do that?
Driven by our passions, because our fears of failing and past experiences propel us into hitting the inevitable. We speak over our lives, and therefore we live the word we prophesied, because why? because it is familiar, it is acceptable, it will be fitting to us. Our mind is made up, it is formed by closely watching others being hurt, being formed, experiencing, failing......winning, and by observing we are able to discern and pick up the route we know will make us our own champions.
yes we all need champions. we all need a support, love and especially cherishing....me.

Little Xavier...you've been loaned to me by my awesome Creator...
I speak over you to be well mannered, intelligent, strong, confident, well groomed, attractive and know your strengths and weaknesses, yet in your weaknesses' you will find answers to overcoming life.

Little Xavier, I know you are unique, therefore....i don't want you to be just like me, don't be just like Daddy....be just like ... you, be yourself in every thing. Think clearly, and know you will be with God in everything.

I will love you always, and promise to never interfere, unless you ask me too....i will shed tears, but not in front of you. I will laugh, but, only to share your joy....and not at you ..you will live your life acknowledging and respecting others, because that's what you will inherently know is the right thing to do.

and now...knowing he is here....i want to hide....responsibility is more than you can imagine...i am hiding....yet in full.....i'd want to burst into the world and tell them..motherhood is a thankless..and sometimes overlooked life...your body breaks and cracks and tears at birth..during life as a woman..yet you're ridiculed..praises are only sung on perhaps a birthday..perhaps a mothersday...or on an epitaph if remembered....but the blessings...are bountiful.

be prepared....i am hiding.

i admit

Hello fellow people, my name is Celeste, and It has been 3 months since my last blog, therefore I am a habitual, procrastinating, forgetful mother in formation....and therefore have become a continuous Proverbs reader. In search of wisdom, knowledge...for strength.

Since last, It has been an endeavoring,challenging and nail biting experience of whacking out the hormones vs. reality. Finding out men actually do need instructions to everything, and are NOT wired the same way as what we would love to fantasise about.
It was with great expectant and awesome joy to have found out that it will be another little XY chromosome that will occupy our lives from the 9th of March 2011, and that this Beany Boy Momma, will have to haul out all the preconceived ideas of having a little companion on my beauty sprees, although deep within me, I somehow had that gnawing gut feeling...it would be a little man.

Beany Boy Pappa, will most definitely have a fellow reverse engineer...and have an explanation of everything dissected, proven already decades ago by our most inventive forefathers. Igniting, exploding, catapulting and launching every available imaginative detail in sprawling laughter...and love.

In all this, I've also come to the conclusion that most of all- The inner fighting inertia, rebellion and anger bred into us as South Africans towards our political era, back "home" is all worthless without the common enemy, for there is none really, here.

There's no extra third eye necessary to watch for taxi's skipping robots, driving on the N14 at night and fearing for a brick that usually is thrown off the Jean or Malibongwe (Hans Strijdom) bridges, just to terrorize and water the seeds of deception that undisciplined democracy has planted.
However, this is what is the bond between us all. Perception vs Reality.
Others perceive it as just another African Country, but the difference is, Rooibos grows there..But in reality, carefully played and manipulated poverty, so that those that practice nepotism, polygamy, gluttony and undisciplined indulgences get away with it all. Thus employing the court jester, so that the evil town sheriff may get away on an alibi....is this not an old divide and conquer strategy?
Thus hoping in a Robin Hood, that could find a Merlin to shake a bolt of lightning loose to make hasty ash of those who dare. I wish, I truly, truly wish...but alas...it is a Grimm Tale but without an oven to toss the evil witch/s into.

Therefore, in the true spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful, I can sit here at my desk in my fortunate state of mind, in a First world country, knowing that Uncle Sam, unfortunately is able to stick his nose wherever he may like to....and it is shocking to know that it can only take one Aircraft Carrier to my home country to show that the whole Air-force put together in that specific country would be as useless as trying to explain what a hermaphrodite is to my home countries court jester..... Thus I feel saddened...with so much potential, what has happened....fools have rushed in, and made fools of fools arguing with fools, that touch each other on their studio's.

And here I end my post with the following wise words from an Ancient King inspired by Wisdom
Proverbs 3

Guidance for the Young

¹ My son, do not forget my law,

But let your heart keep my commands;
² For length of days and long life
And peace they will add to you.
³ Let not mercy and truth forsake you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart,
⁴ And so find favor and high esteem
In the sight of God and man.
⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct^a]">[a] your paths.
⁷ Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and depart from evil.
⁸ It will be health to your flesh,^b]">[b]
And strength^c]">[c] to your bones.
⁹ Honor the LORD with your possessions,
And with the firstfruits of all your increase;
¹⁰ So your barns will be filled with plenty,
And your vats will overflow with new wine.
¹¹ My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD,
Nor detest His correction;
¹² For whom the LORD loves He corrects,
Just as a father the son in whom he delights.
¹³ Happy is the man who finds wisdom,
And the man who gains understanding;
¹⁴ For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver,
And her gain than fine gold.
¹⁵ She is more precious than rubies,
And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her.
¹⁶ Length of days is in her right hand,
In her left hand riches and honor.
¹⁷ Her ways are ways of pleasantness,
And all her paths are peace.
¹⁸ She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her,
And happy are all who retain her.
¹⁹ The LORD by wisdom founded the earth;
By understanding He established the heavens;
²⁰ By His knowledge the depths were broken up,
And clouds drop down the dew.
²¹ My son, let them not depart from your eyes—
Keep sound wisdom and discretion;
²² So they will be life to your soul
And grace to your neck.
²³ Then you will walk safely in your way,
And your foot will not stumble.
²⁴ When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet.
²⁵ Do not be afraid of sudden terror,
Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes;
²⁶ For the LORD will be your confidence,
And will keep your foot from being caught.
²⁷ Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
When it is in the power of your hand to do so.
²⁸ Do not say to your neighbor,

“ Go, and come back,
And tomorrow I will give it,”
When you have it with you.
²⁹ Do not devise evil against your neighbor,
For he dwells by you for safety’s sake.
³⁰ Do not strive with a man without cause,
If he has done you no harm.
³¹ Do not envy the oppressor,
And choose none of his ways;
³² For the perverse person is an abomination to the LORD,
But His secret counsel is with the upright.
³³ The curse of the LORD is on the house of the wicked,
But He blesses the home of the just.
³⁴ Surely He scorns the scornful,
But gives grace to the humble.
³⁵ The wise shall inherit glory,
But shame shall be the legacy of fools.

Amen

The pregnant pregosaurus phase

Indeed, we as women, should have an instinctive way of knowing. The absolute sense that when you feeling not quite yourself...somethings happening!!

Not expecting the unexpected is what usually blind sights, You think you know - until reality swots you.

Since the last time i actually had the guts to put something down, I was still coming to terms with the little kidney bean, now progressing faster and faster into a miniature little human with fingerprints and all. Me...whoa!!! really..noooooooo.....it's fake... until you hear the little heartbeat, at the very first sonar, and your eyes well up with tears and you can't believe that that is going to be a future family member, you're going to throw birthday parties for, you're going to want to strangle at sometime, but that you will grow to love more than life.

In this whole expanse called the world, called the universe.....you now know, why God wanted woman to carry his future soldiers.... in love and nurturing they see Gods heart. And understand compassion, the compassion that surpasses any understanding of anything less than civilized.

Though - the nausea, the aches and pains the moodswings including depression hang like a weight around your neck..in the end that weight turns to a medal, it's the perseverance and love of others that counts as well. You tend to take a look, and see others have made it.. you can too....
The emotional side....well, hormones are great to blame.....and sorry, it doesn't matter how gentle spirited you are....the best turns into the most ferocious...and for my behaviour...i apologise in advance already...my husband, thank you for being long-suffering..
Remember come bearing food - and all is forgiven ;).

One thing that I've learned to really appreciate is the countless efforts of love, comments and little remedies that I've come to hear from plenty of people. And for them I am thankful.
Here's to all my predecessors....
You conquered and you help.
Thank you

The Flight, delightful

On my scale 1 - 10, reality and realisation always happen to end up on a 2. USA totally hit me while I was on the flight from OR Tambo International to Atlanta, Georgia...
Adrenaline has this amazing way of taking control - until you are out of the situation, and then wham! As if a melon hit the front screen of your car. Reality hits home.

Not really knowing the actual seating arrangements on board the DL201 flight on Saturday, the evening. To my dismay... bang in the very middle of the aircraft, in between, a very irate woman that could not get into business class, and a mexican person on my right, who, for the life of me, had a death rattle rasping snore...... so lets' get the visuals going..this is ongoing, and the best of all....my chair would not budge into the reclining position either. I felt I was in the middle of a joke...wishing someone would pop out and just make it all better. The problem was, it didn't happen.

Other than that - suddenly realising how comfortable, home was. How good food tasted.. Who I had actually left behind, and when I was going to actually see them again. I promised to only feel sorry for myself for one hour, then it should be over.
I never saw USA before now, But I shall come, and I shall conquer.

The flight had been delayed due to the German vs Spain World Cup Soccer Game, some of the crew had watched, and just decided that they had to keep us in suspense, therefore the maintenance and safety check had not been carried out.. and the rewiring of the system was not finished..we were later told this, they rebooted the system, well all the controls in the cabin, about 3 times...the entire flight. That was reassuring. Somehow, grateful, I wasn't privy to all the complications. Clenching my teeth most of the way....19hrs is long!!

Food was average, however, rather bland, beef was a mixture of a textured woolen carpet, and possibly the lanolin, could have added some flavour ..but then again, that could also just have been my hormones..(later finding out I am pregnant)...I would chose Cathay Pacific any day, anytime, anywhere again and again...when it comes to perfection, they are the precise element of it. Somehow most of the passengers were also skipped when it came to meals. Most of us had to call attendants, to return to provide the meals-and also water, which they ran out of 4 hours before we reached Atlanta.

Needless to say, I was pleased and thankful to be out of that cabin, finally in Atlanta, safe and sound, a bit dehydrated and darn hungry. Only to notice the connecting flight to Tampa International....was delayed as well.

But as they say here: Yes, we can, everything is yes we can...don't matter how long it takes..yes we can...